This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?