the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive