As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
You Might Also Like
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!