WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.