Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Every haunted house movie:
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat