I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one