Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.