*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.