Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.