Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.