Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS