The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds