Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.