Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!