Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.
He died doing what he loved. Harassing bear cubs.
8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.
There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.
If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.
No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”
I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.