I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
New comic up. “Ransom”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Is this a threat?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
want me to check your oil?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.