@just1fool

Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.

Sorry.

@just1fool

8:I like cheese!

Me:I like cheese more.

8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!

Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.

@just1fool

There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@just1fool

It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”

@just1fool

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.