I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.