I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”