Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.