My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.