Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser