My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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They got Raph!
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
multitasking lunch
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.