My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.