British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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it be like that
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?