Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove
Vegemite but I really wish a vegewould 😤
Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,
Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.
The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH
Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person