Funny Tweeter

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Page of justokpanda's best tweets

@justokpanda : Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?

Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person

@justokpanda: [screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

@justokpanda: Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

@justokpanda: Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

@justokpanda: Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@justokpanda: Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok