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@justokpanda : Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person
@justokpanda: [screaming and mass hysteria]
Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Me: I thought you said BYO bees
Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard
@justokpanda: Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.
Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?
Me: Next slide please
@justokpanda: Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.
Me: *dramatic deep sigh*
Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud
@justokpanda: Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok