@justokpanda

Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:

@justokpanda

Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,

@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@justokpanda

Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?

Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person