My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
When he asks for feet pics
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
cat vs inanimate object
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Smells like a challenge to me
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering