[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person
[screaming and mass hysteria]
Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Me: I thought you said BYO bees
Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard
Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.
Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?
Me: Next slide please
Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.
Me: *dramatic deep sigh*
Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud
Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok