@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@justokpanda

Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?

Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person

@justokpanda

[screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

@justokpanda

Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok