“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Selfie
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship