shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”