My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”