I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*