I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist