Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…