I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.