God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.