Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.