(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.