I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.