Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.