Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.