Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.