Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you