My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.