[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Taking phone security to the next level.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie