Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[shakes fist at other fist]
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.