I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You Might Also Like
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices