it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before