When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
so, is there a mister shapen head
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*