Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn