I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Ron is short for Aaronald
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now