Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
This is not me but this is me
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no