One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
This is not me but this is me
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”