me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?